As much as I hate to admit it, there are some perks to being a short guy.

From the view of someone on a diet, the children’s menu has smaller portions, so restaurants are unwittingly simplifying your issues with not knowing when to say when.

From a misogynist’s point of view, the goods are at eye level, if you know what I’m saying.

Ladies.

But if I could choose, I’d choose to be tall every time. Personally, I measure up to about 5’3″, 4″ if I’m wearing my Timberland boots (or as I like to refer to them, my heels for men). So when I hear someone describe 5’7″ as being “short”, I get a little hot under the collar.

I swear, tall people have to have at least a psychological advantage. It just makes more sense, from a primal-animal-standpoint point of view. Avoid approaching the bigger thing, because if you make it mad, it can (and probably will) eat you. Seriously, have there been studies done on this?

Also, I’ve never heard anyone ever say that they met some short, dark, handsome stranger. It’s just not a thing. I dare/beg someone to find me an example of a short man who’s been romanticized.

It’s also tougher for a short person to look good. Five pounds on a short guy and five pounds on a tall guy have very different aesthetic effects when given a side-by-side comparison. The tall guy no longer has washboard abs. The short guy gets a gut.

There seems to be this stigma to being short that spans across our culture, implicit everywhere but never actually verbalized. Short guys are screwed before they start

Seriously, I just looked up a list of all the men People magazine has named “Sexiest Man Alive” as well as their heights and not a single one measures under 5’7″.

THAT LIST INCLUDED TOM CRUISE. 5’7-3/4″. And when you don’t have many inches to spare, that three-quarters inch makes a helluva difference. I’m aware of how childish it sounds, but fact of the matter is that it really matters.

And, as much as I hate being sexist, short girls don’t have it as tough as short guys do. Short girls are either adorable or freaking hot. But who do the short girls look for? Taller guys. If there’s any other bunch I can emphasize with, it’s the taller girls. They get it too. There’s the cultural stigma that the guy has to be taller than the girl, so when all the tall guys pair off with the short girls, the tall girls are left out in the cold with the short guys. Seriously, tall guys, you have access to a whole other section of the gender: take advantage of that opportunity. We short guys can’t exactly pick up the slack, because there’s that whole stigma there again. The guy has to be taller, or apparently the world will collapse in unto itself under a hellstorm of fire and locusts.

At least, that’s how it seems from down here.

As much as I’m trying to look to the future positively and be happier with what I have; I think that almost twenty years of short jokes and negative stereotyping have cemented this insecurity into my personality too deeply for a simple renovation. This might be my Achilles heel.

Seriously though, next person to give me crap about my lack of height takes a very severe shot to the kidneys. After all, I am already down here with them.